A sudden feeling of depression caught up with me. Was totally feeling good earlier. Well things do change in a matter of seconds. Suddenly reminded me of the movie "Stardust".
All night I keep asking myself so much questions. And decided to blog this tonight.
Have you ever felt sad that things didn't go your way?
I could be so selfish at times that I tend to drag people just to go my way.
Have you ever tried to be understood than to understand?
At times I tend to do this to the point that things change to what benefits me.
Have you cheated on someone you love?
Yes, I did and I am now paying the price in various ways. This is my karma.
Have you spend beyond your own limit?
Yes, I admit. I have sinned. The only reason I could give its a matter of life and death.
Have you ever experience being broke?
Yes. And it happens a lot.
Have you saved some money in the bank?
No. I do not have.
Have you paying your debts in banks and other people?
Yes. And I have to suffer this as long as it takes.
Have you been happy lately?
Honestly, no. Perhaps this is the most depressing stage of my life.
Have you been honest to yourself?
Yes. I am but I'm not perfect.
Have you accepted that you are living in the real world not in the ideal world?
Honestly, I've been struggling so hard for this. I may always be misunderstood but I just tend to accept things as they are to avoid any arguement.
Have you ever felt being unhappy, lost and lonely?
Every single day.
Have you ever felt being alone?
No matter how much I want to say no but yes, I do feel alone. And right now, I do feel it. I just deny the fact that I am living in reality.
Sometimes, I just want to quit believing, let go and stop. Been getting weak lately since I haven't been taking up any medication a few weeks now. Got to save some money for a trip soon. I've been contemplating on just accepting things as they are since anything that I would say will always be used against me and be told that they are right and I am wrong.
Right now, I'm stuck with a question...
Have you ever felt being someone?
Posted byDantes
at
12:47 AM
Labels:
Reality
It was a Friday evening and was trying to sleep. As the clock ticks by the second, my sweat builds up in enormous amount while waiting for somethings to happen. Suddenly it rained hard a few minutes passed 2:00AM. Hearing the rain drops fall from the sky kept me awake all through the night.
I then thought of each memories I had cherished. Thinking of each moments worth in my life. Had a lot of twist and turns not realizing if I could still return.
People walked in and out of my life. Some left precious memories but some left so much pain that still continues to spread the pain by being judged. Even in sharing the fruits of my labor, I was coined as "boastful" or "mayabang". Often I wondered in which way did I go wrong with them. Practicing humility is one of my top priority. Getting over it was hard due to the manner of delivery it was told. To the point that people in my school was even brought up. That's where it hit me most.
Some people would talk about me behind my back. Telling so much gossips and fabricated stories about my life. Exposing my life to others and even told personal things about me. Soon it came to me that a lot of people knows a lot about me but I've only told a handful of people about it. I soon thought of what did this people do to protect me? After hearing these things, spreading each rumors, talking about me while being looked at from head to feet, I did nothing. I've talked to the people I really trust. Telling them my story. After a few rounds of beer, something struck me to write this blog post after they told me "Even though you kept a lot of things from us, we are still your friends no matter who or what you are".
Soon, thought of this... The hell with them!
I do not need to wear expensive clothes going to malls where rich people are going to. Wearing something decent makes me feel good.
I do not need to buy high-tech gadgets to be "in" with the "hype" to show off to my friends.
I do not need to eat at fancy restaurants to show off to people that I can afford to eat there.
I do not need to tell all my friends of my career achievements.
I do not need to tell my friends the things that I bought and how much it cost.
I do not need to tell the whole world the places I have been. Comparing each places from one another and bragging about it each day.
I do not need to ask other people to buy things I could not afford so I could spread the news and tell people that I have it.
I do not need to compare myself with others since everyone is a unique creature of nature.
I do not need to judge people for I am not God.
Protecting myself is what I need to do now. If people around me prevents me from doing this but could not protect me from them then it is up to me to do what is right for me. I do not seek revenge but I seek respect.
For those who judged me, stand in front of a mirror. Look into your eyes and tell yourself:
"What the Fuck are you looking at?"
This is me.
Posted byDantes
at
2:15 AM
Labels:
Reality
Lately my sleeping habits becomes one of my biggest problems. The longest sleep that I've got so far is 3 hours a day which really worries me a lot. I could already feel the lump in my head and it really starts to give me a bad headache. Sometimes I couldn't stand the pain that made me throw up at times. I barely could get up each morning, my sight is getting blurry and driving has become difficult for me.
Gone through the test lately and results are really not good.
Posted byDantes
at
10:04 PM
Labels:
Recovery
I've decided to start off with changing the template of my blog though had some problems with it so I just left it with this template first which I will be editing soon. Sorry if it looks different.
Just last week I found out that one of the veins in my head or neck has clotted that blocks the blood from flowing through my head. Had the results and I was recommended to take theraphy or an operation to remove the clotting. I was surprised that the doctor had told me that this was the main cause of my repetitive headaches and somehow my vertigo. I noticed when my friend told me I wasn't walking straight.
My theraphy started today and my operation is due on the 3rd week of this month if the theraphy won't be successful.
Also I decided to shift my personal blog to a more informative blog as per the suggestion of my friend. Will be sending out the link to those who wants to follow this thread about my recovery. Just send me an email. Though contents are too personal, I'm open to share it to those who wishes to follow it.
Posted byDantes
at
11:43 PM
Labels:
Recovery
